Humourous Side of Twillight Saga
by Clumzy.Person
Summary: In a world created by S.M. everyone wants more fun, more laughter, more dumb characters who makes us fall of our chairs, well that's what I'm giving. Rated T for language and content. Cannon Couples. Scenes from Twilight twisted in such a way you won't stop laughing.
1. Chapter 1: Three Things&Lonely Nights

**A/N: Just Writting for the the fun of it!**

**This is a more humourous side to Twilight!**  
><strong>I will be taking scenes from the book and make them funnier!<strong>  
><strong>Hope you Like them!<strong>  
><strong>Here it goes...<strong>

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><p>There were 3 things I was absolutely sure about!<p>

First: Edward is a vampire!

Second: There was a part of him - and I'm not sure how dominant that part might be - that thirsted for my blood.

Third: I was - Wait who stole my panties?

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><p><strong>"Who are they?" I asked the girl from my Spanish class.<strong>

"The Cullens Emmet and Edward and the Hales Rosalie and Jasper! The one who just left is Alice!"

"Which is the one with the reddish- brown hair? I asked

"That's Edward, he's gorgeous of course - *Jessica suddenly gets hit in the head by Bella with her backpack, Bella runs away screaming "He's mine biatch!"

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><p>"Sleeping in coffins?"<p>

"Myth." He hesitated for a moment, and a peculiar tone entered his voice. "I can't sleep."

It took me a minute to absorb that. "At all?" I wonder what he does at night? *Bella having naughty thoughts

about her and Edward!*

"What do you do at night?" I asked my curiosity getting the better of me.

"I have something to do now!"

"Edward, let me help you occupy your nights!" I said hoping to god or whoever listned that I sounded attractive!

He suddenly stopped and got out of his car and started running at human speed screaming "Rape". Uh-Oh I hope I

don't get arrested!

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><p>There were 3 things I was absolutely sure about!<p>

First: Edward is a sexy, sparkly vampire.

Second: He might eat me.

Third: He is a crazy phycho who stalks me. **(A/N: I Love Edward but I'll insult him every once in a while.)**

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><p><strong>(Review, Review, Review,)<strong>


	2. Chapter 2: Lies&Lies

Ch2 0f Humourous Side Of Twilight!

**Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!**

**Seriously you guys proably don't know how much those two reviews meant to me! This chapter is dedicated to you!**

**Here's chap two I hope it was worth the wait!**

"Do they visit often?" he asked, still casual, but his weight shifted toward me.** (A/N. It's from chap 10 of New Moon)**

"Lie," the beautiful velvet voice whispered anxiously from my memory.

"No." I said.

"Lie!"

"I don't feel like it!" *Laurent looking at Bella wondering if she mentally disabled.* **(A/N. I DO NOT MEAN ANY ****HARM BY THIS LAST COMMENT)**

"Bella, LIE!" his beautiful voice whispered once more.

"No!" I said more sternly.

"What's going on?" asked Laurent.

"God Dammit! I TOLD YOU TO FREAKING LIE!" the voice urged.

"STOP BOSSING ME AROUND!" I shouted as I walked away from our meadow. Stupid bossy sparkly vampire.

"Dammit!" Laurent muttered. "Lost my lunch!"

"Yay!" the velvet spoke quietly but exietedly.

"Shit! Wolves!" Laurent starts running around screaming to people to run for their lifes. Seriously he's a vampire, he should be able to kill those bears/wolves whatever they are.

"Double Yay!" the velvet voice inside my head was deffinetly louder now. Why was he so happy? Laurent would kill those bears/wolves! Or would he?

Stupid bossy sparkly stalking vampire!

"You...don't...want me?" I tried out the words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in that order.

"No."

"Liar!" I accused.

"I'm not lying!"

"Yes you are!" I knew him enough to tell that he was lying. I wouldn't let go of him that easily. NO FREAKING

WAY!

"NO I AM NOT!" he shouted back.

"Yeah! YOU ARE!"

"No! I'm not!"

"Seriously Edward!" I said slowly. "Let's go back home and stop with this nonsense." I turned leading the way back home.

But when I heard nothing but my erratic breathing, I turned around seeing nothing but the forest.

"Where did you go?" I asked as I started walking further and I tripped over my feet like I always do, but

immeadetly picked myself up and started walking again, but it wasn't long before I tripped again.

*Edward in a tree having some popcorn. 'This should be good!' he thought as Bella once again tripped.*

**A/N. Was it worth the wait? Review!**


	3. Chapter 3: 6Packs&Dibs

**(A/N. I promised you a chapter so here it is! I kind of have two versions of the same scene in this chapter. And once again I want to thanks you for your reviews! Thanks you soo much)**

**Option One**

"Edward, no!" I screamed, but my voice was lost in the roar of the chime.

I was running really hard. How could he do this to me? How could he?

"Edward! Don't you dare." I screamed louder and louder.

I ran smack into him, and pushed him against the hard wall.

"How dare you?" I asked anger filling every word.

He finally opened his eyes and looked at me shocked. "What? What did I do? he asked.

"How dare you show your sexy 6 pack to anyone but me." I said venom filling my voice.

Edward knelt down. "I'm so sorry Bella. I just wanted the world to see that their were no sexier abs than mine!"

"How..w ..da..re..you!" I sobbed. "You promised me!"

"I'm so sorry!" Edward whispered.

***Across the hall Third Person Pov.***

"Damn she's hot!" Demetri said watching Bella and Edward fight.

"Dibs." Felix said.

"Hey. I saw her first." Demetri said as he smacked Felix in the head.

"Soooo. I called Dibs." Felix said. They both start fighting over who gets Bella as dinner.

***Back to Edward and Bella. Third Person Pov this time.***

"No Edward." Bella whispered her heart breaking all over again. "I don't know if I have the strenght to forgive you."

Bella walks away.

"Noooooo." Edward screams like a little girl.

***Back to Demetri and Felix* Tppov**

The two douche bags are still fighting

"I said 'I saw her fisrt'." Demetri kept repeating.

"I said freaking 'Dibs'." Felix answers back

***Back to Edward* Eddie Pov**

I couldn't believe it. SHE LEFT ME. SHE FREAKING LEFT. Seriously people I am a sexy, freaking gorgeous vampire.

How could she leave me?

***Back to Demetri and Felix***

Still fighting.

Jane walks in.

"Boys."She sais and they instantly listen. Nobody wants to mess with Jane.

"What." They both sounded irritated.

"What's up with him?" Jane asked. Demetri and Felix both turned to see where she was looking, and they soon spotted

Edward sitting on the floor crying like a baby with no tears.

"I have no idea!" the boys said together.

***Back at Edward* TPPOV**

Alice walks in, and looks at Edward.

"Oh Edward!" she sais and walks back out.

**The other option**

"Edward, no!" I screamed, but my voice was lost in the roar of the chime.

I was running so fast. I was confused I was supposed to fall down by now.

Then I noticed something. My jaw dropped. My heart started breathing faster than usual. I was struck by what I saw.

Edward... was... shirt...less.

"Edward, cover up I can't watch!" I suddently fell to the ground and lost my touch with with this world as I

quickly faded into unconsciousness.

**(Thirt Person Pov aslso known as TpPOV)**

Alice runs as fast as she can without being noticed, and lands on Edward.

"How the hell could you be sooo stupid?" Alice asks clearly annoyed. "Now she's never going to forgive you!"

Alice stood up and started to bitch slap him.

"Nooooo." Edward screams terrified.

No one messes with the little evil pixie.

**(Review! Review! Review!)**


	4. Chapter 4: Dreams

**(A/N. Sorry it's short! Hope you like it anyway!)**

"I knew it," I sobbed. "I knew I was dreaming."

"Bella," he said slowly, tenderly. "You're not dreaming."

"Yes I am!" I sobbed again.

"You're not."

"Yes." I said.

"No."

"Yes." I tried being more convincing.

"No."

"Yes."

"BELLA! YOU'RE ARE NOT DREAMING!" Edward whispered, screamed.

"See." I whispered. "This just proves that I am."

"What." Edward asked confused.

"You'd never scream at me in real life." I said. Suddenly I heard my window being opened, and a face peeked in.

"Can I watch?" Jacob asked with a box of popcorn in his hands.

"What the hell do you think this is?" I asked angrily. "A sleepover? Get the hell out of my room. NOW!"

Jacob just kept watching munching on a popcorn.

"Both of you now." I whispered, screamed.

"Damn!" Jacob said as he got out the window. I looked at Edward who just stood there watching me.

"Do you want a special invitation?" I asked. "Leave Now!" *Edward leaves with a constipated look on his face.*

**Third Person Pov It continues with the same scene!**

"Dammit!" Bella said. "I want to wake up!"

Bella pinches herself! She doesn't wake up. She continues to pinch herself until eventually she gets tired of pinching.

Instead she started to slap her face really, really hard.

*Edward is outside her window listening to his grilfriend slapping herself continously.*

"What the hell did she have for dinner?" Edward asked. "A freaking bottle of crazy sauce?"

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	5. Chapter 5: The Knife

**(A/N. It's been Long... I hope you enjoy!)**

I turned to look at him, eying him critically. "Is it impossible to wear clothes, Jacob?" I asked. "I mean, I know you proabably want to show off your hot abs,

but still."

"It's just easier," he explained.

"What's easier? Getting your clothes off quicker whenever you see a hot girl?"

He smiled condescendingly. "It's enought of a pain to carry the shorts around with me, let alone a complete outfit. What do I look like, a pack mule?"

"My statement about a hot girl still stands."

"My clothes don't just pop in and out of existence when I change -" he said but I interrupted him.

"Wow. You have magic powers too-"

"No-"

"That is sooo coool, you could -"

"I don't -"

"Make me prettier-"

"I can't "

"Make me stronger."

"I don't have mag-"

"Make my bad luck go away."

"I wish I could do that."

**Third Person Pov (Outside Bella's window)**

"What's happening now?" Emmet asks Edward impatiently.

"Bella thinks Jacob has magic powers!" Jasper answered, seeing as Edward was concentrated on the scene in front of him.

"I don't think it's nice invading her privacy like this." Esme said.

"Shut up, Esme." the rest of the Cullens, even Carlisle, shouted.

"I have no idea what's going to happen next, because of how the stupid wolfs affect my power, so it's sort of nice to be surprised once in a while!" Alice said sweetly, and

she immediately got a warm smile from her adoptive mother.

**Third Person Pov (Back inside)**

"What do you mean by that?" Bella asked angrily as she stabbed Jacob with a knife.

"OW!" Jacob shouted. "Damn it! Ouch!" he complained. Bella was still stabbing him.

"Bella don't." Jacob said as he started running around the house.

Bella was still running after him with the knife

**(Outside the house)**

Cullens laughing hysterically.

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	6. Chapter 6: Temptations

**(A/N. Very short, sorry. I hope you like it, and thanks for the reviews.)**

**Third Person Pov**

"Tempting, but no. Then again, the begging might be interesting to see. You can give it a go if you like. I'd like to see you on your knees." Jacob smiled.

"Let me down, Let me down now." Bella screamed in his face.

Jacob let her down gently, and as soon as Bella was on the ground she grabbed the biggest piece of wood she saw and started hitting Jacob with it.

"You stupid dog." she shouted angrily. "You stupid, obsessed, sex, freak."

"Ouch." said Jacob in pain.

Bella is not the stongest of the humans, but she deffinetly knows where it hurts.

Jacob started running away very quickly. The poor pup was afraid for his own life, well not exactly his own so much as his future children.

Bella ran after him, continously hitting him everywhere.

They arrived where Edward was setting the camp a couple of minutes later, with Bella still hitting Jacob as much as she could.

_Finally_, Edward thought,_ threse's my little girl._ Edward continued to watch his beloved one, hitting the pup over and over.

_I hope it never ends_, he thought to himself.

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	7. Chapter 7: Dogs&Mentos

(a/n. Hope you like this chapter. I know I do.)

His smile widened, and he sighed in satisfaction. "Brilliant," he whispered.

Renesmee relaxed back into my arms, her little face very serious.

"Please?" she asked him.

His smile turned gentle. "Of course I have no desire to harm your loved ones, precious Renesmee."

"Don't forget about Jacob. My Jacob." Renesmee said.

"Of course." Aro replied. "I will not harm your pet."

"He's not a pet." Renesmee said, irritated. "He's my Jacob."

"But he's a dog." Aro looked at Renesmee oddly.

"So... Your point is..."

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><p>"N -" I started to object, but it was too late.<p>

His lips crushed mine, stopping my protest.

He kissed me angrily, roughly, his other hand gripping tight around the back of my neck, making escape impossible. I shoved against his chest with all my

strength, but he didn't even seem to notice.

His mouth was soft, despite the anger, his lips molding to mine in a warm, unfamiliar way.

I grabbed at his face, trying to push it away, failing again. He seemed to notice this time, though, and it aggravated him. His lips forced mine open, and I

could feel his hot breath in my mouth.

Acting on instinct, I let my hands drop to my side, and shut down. I opened my eyes and didn't fight, didn't feel . . . just waited for him to stop.

It worked. The anger seemed to evaporate, and he pulled back to look at me. He pressed his lips softly to mine again, once, twice . . . a third time. I

pretended I was a statue and waited.

Finally, he let go of my face and leaned away.

**Third Person Pov**

Bella suddenly started coughing uncontrolbally, clutching at her stomach as she fell to the ground and curled herself into a ball.

"Bella, Bella? Are you okay?" Jacob asked suddenly worried about his friend.

But Bella did not stop with the coughing. No. Of course not. With her luck. It only got worse.

"Bella, Bella Please answer me." Jacob whispered worriedly. "Please answer me."

He was sitting beside Bella trying to comfort her... -Yeah good luck with that one dog.- when Bella suddenly reached her hand into her pocket, took

something out and put it in Jacob's hand.

Jacob stared at the object confused and then as if begging Bella to answer him this question he asked.

"Mentos?"

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	8. Chapter 8: Glitters,ScoobyDoo&Falling

**Humorous Side of Twilight Saga.**

**Chapter 8 **

**Bella Pov**

**Edward seemed to take a deep breath, and then he stepped out into the bright glow of the midday sun.**

**Third Person Pov**

It was like the time had stopped.

Bella took a deep breath before running towards Edward yelling excitedly.

"Glitters!"

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><p><strong>Bella Pov<strong>

**"Oh." I was surprised, but it made sense. So that was why they'd all cropped their hair in the beginning, when they joined the pack. "Then why don't you cut it?** Do you like to be shaggy?"

He looked at me as if I had gone crazy.

Not my fault he looks like Shaggy.

"Shaggy." I murmured the words, they sounded funnier to me by the minute."It matches. That's what I'm going to call you from now on... Shaggy!" I said firmly and slightly amused.

"Scooby - Scooby Doo, Where are you?..." I started singing myself to sleep.

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><p><strong>Bella Pov<strong>

**"Bella" it hissed. "Ouch! Damn it, open the window! OUCH!"**

**Third Person Pov **

Bella immediately recognized the voice as Jacob. She took a breath of relief knowing Victoria wouldn't be coming after her, but then she became angry.

"No." she said firmly.

"Why?" whined Jacob, which totally matches cause dogs whine.

"Because I don't feel like it."

"Bella, open the damn window, NOW."

"No"

"Open the window"

"No"

"Open the-"

Boom!

Jacob falls out of the tree.

"Oh well..." said Bella quietly, wondering if they were siblings.

They seemed to have the same clumsiness.

Jacob falling out of tress.

Bella tripping over her own feet.

**(A/N. Soooo? Opinions? What did you guys think?)**


	9. Chapter 9: Football, Saviors&Threaths

**(A/N. Hey! New Chap. You have Bella's and Edward's date being interrupted in three options. And if you have some free time on your hands please take some time to vote on the poll, the summaries for the stories are on the profile. Enjoy.)**

**Option 1.**

**Bella Pov.**

_Edward seemed to take a deep breath, and then he stepped out into the bright glow of the midday sun._

**Third Person Pov.**

Nobody was expecting what happened next, not even Edward.

And he's supposed to be a mind reader.

"Eddiiiiieeeeee." Emmett squealed as he jumped on Edwards back and tackled him to the ground, with Jasper right behind him.

" What the hell do you want Emmett?" Edward muttered darkly.

"Let's play football!"

**Option 2.**

"Eddiiiiieeeeee." Emmett squealed as he jumped on Edwards back and tackled him to the ground, with Jasper right behind him.

" What the hell do you want Emmett?" Edward muttered darkly.

"You should say thanks!"

"Why?" asked Edward exasperated.

"We saved you." Emmett said as if he was talking to the dumbest person in the world. "If Bella would've seen your abs, she would have run away screaming."

**Option 3.**

"Eddiiiiieeeeee." Emmett squealed as he jumped on Edwards back and tackled him to the ground, with the Cullens right behind him.

"What do you guys want?" Edward asked his family angrily.

"We're having a picnic Edward." Alice said as she showed him the basket she held in her hands. "Isn't that obvious. Jeez and you're supposed to be the smart one."

"Alice." Edward hissed at the annoying pixie that was his sister. "I'm on a date. My very first one."

"Sooo . . . . . Your point is . . . . "

"I was supposed to be getting my very first kiss today." He whined like a baby.

Alice ignored him as if she had never heard him.

"Come on, Bella." Alice said linking her arms through Bella's.

"Um . . . . Alice." Bella said awkwardly. "I kind of . . . . . um . . . . want to enjoy my day with Edward."

"Ugh!" Alice said annoyed as she started walking back. "Mark my words, Bella, we will have a picnic, not today, and probably not tomorrow, but we will. I will make sure of it."

And then she fled from the beautiful meadow the Cullens except Edward trailing right behind her.

**Bella Pov**

I watched terrified as Alice and the rest of the Cullens left.

She threatened me with a picnic.

Oh Shit!

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	10. Chapter 10: Beautiful&Proposals

**(A/N. New Chapter! Enjoy! Please Vote on the poll, with summaries on the profile, Reunion and Memories seem to be at the top. Also check out the new Twilight Roleplay I just found, I'll post the link to it as soon as I have permission to.)**

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><p><strong>"Sorry about that, Bella, but isn't it better that your mother didn't<strong>**  
><strong>**really have to be involved in all this?" His voice was courteous, kind.**

Third Person Pov

Bella just stood there unfazed while she stared at the blond vampire.

"What?" James asked slightly annoyed.

Bella kept staring for what seemed like forever but might have only been a few seconds.

"What?" asked James more annoyed this time in a venomous tone, and then Bella answered.

"I thought vampires were supposed to be beautiful."

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><p><strong>His eyes were cautious, he spoke slowly. "Marry me first."<strong>

Third Person Pov

Bella started laughing uncontrollably, clutching at her middle while tears fell downs her blushed cheeks.

"Bella?" Edward asked cautiously.

_2 min later _

Bella was still laughing.

"Bella . . . . ?"

_1 hour later_

"Bella . . . . ? Oh forget it!"

_Another hour later_

Bella started calming down little by little, as she wiped her tears from her rosy cheeks.

"Oh . . . . Edward . . . . You're soo funny!"

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><p><strong>(AN. Sooo. What did you guys think? Review and tell me your thoughts.)**


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